Three Things Men Need To Stop Bragging About

She had the right idea

Last week, I wrote an article about why women love The Walking Dead, in which I gave Princess Leia a pass for the gold lame bikini, despite our general irritation about an overwhelming number of stupidly inappropriate battle outfits for female characters.

A guy buddy of mine recently weighed in on this theory. His take? Well, it seems the Princess Leia bikini scene was an important element of his sexual awakening, since he wore himself out to it.

My response was something along the sarcastic lines of, “Umm… Great, I love hearing about guys jerking it.” He seemed embarrassed, which would have made perfect sense, had he not brought up masturbation in the first place.

While his boasting had kind of made my point for me about the nature of most female action-movie characters, the more baffling question is why men want to tell us about jerking off at all.

I decided to ask him, but his response slowly devolved into a strange discussion about the iconic nature of Princess Leia for Generation X and a bizarre defense of childhood nostalgia via masturbatory habits.  Not particularly helpful.

Unable to solve this conundrum, I started thinking about other weird ways men like to brag. Years of dating, having guy friends, and living on Planet Earth have given me much insight into the male brain, yet some of their weird behaviors still don’t make any sense.

Since they may be as confused about us as we are about them, I thought it could be helpful to share a few tips about what to stop doing when they are trying to impress us:

  1. Don’t talk about jacking off

If I had a dollar for every time a guy has mentioned rubbing one out to me… Well, to be frank, I’d rather just not hear it than have the cash.

friendzoneBecause it’s gross. In fact, I’d rather hand these random guys a dollar apiece than be forced to imagine them yanking their weiners while they’re talking to me.

Why do they BRAG about this?  I’ve owned dogs that hump chairs and cats that rape blankets. It’s not much of an accomplishment and it’s not a pretty picture.

It’s also fairly hypocritical. Men don’t like it when we mention even having ex-boyfriends, so why do they think we enjoy hearing about them virtually boning other women?

Come to think of it, the guys who talk about spanking it the most are the first ones to flip out in exaggerated disgust whenever periods are mentioned. One minute, they’re elbows deep in sweaty self-abuse, and in the next, they’re delicate flowers who can’t fathom the natural cycles of the human body.


2.  Don’t send us pictures of your junk

Men wrestle with a baffling urge to send photos of their privates; one so powerful that they sometimes lose jobs for indulging it.

junkpicWhy would you do that? What do you think is going to happen when a woman sees a picture of your dick? Do you actually believe that a woman who is on the fence about her attraction to you will be pushed over the edge after feasting her eyes on your glorious dong?

I hate to break it to you guys, but at best, it comes off as arrogant (like you think seeing your wang is a treat) and at worst, it’s revolting (hey, you try opening a hair sack photo and see how you like it).

Perhaps that’s unfair, though. Since men are willing to pay to see women’s parts, maybe they just assume we feel the same way.

Hell, maybe they’re being generous. There are entire internet sites dedicated to viewing accidental side-boobs, yet here we are, getting the Full Monty for free.

Problem is, these guys aren’t thinking about the difference in our relative situations.

Men want to see female parts partly because they aren’t usually allowed to. Sure, there are hormones involved, but there’s more to it than that.  Victorians were titillated by ankle shots, for example, because women were supposed to be covered from neck to foot, whereas we barely notice errant ankles today. Forbidden fruit makes sneak-peeking feel naughty.

Men, on the other hand, have been trying to show us their dongs for as long as we can remember. We can see one any time we want, so we don’t feel like we’re getting away with much. Guys in trench coats will flash us for free.

Deep down, every woman knows that if she wants to see a penis, all she has to do is ask. She could walk into any random roomful of men, asking “Who wants to show me their penis?” and at least one of them would oblige.

So my advice is: don’t send unsolicited sausage pics. It will very rarely, if ever, work out in your favor.

3.  Don’t talk about how excited you are that a female celebrity is now “legal”

About a year ago, I was taking an art class when someone happened to mention Emma Watson. Our middle-aged associate Art professor jumped on the topic and ran.

“She is so gorgeous,” he informed the class, “My buddies and I had a toast on her eighteenth birthday. She’s finally legal!”

Umm… okay. It’s hardly the first, and certainly won’t be the last, time I’ve heard something along these lines, but I’m still scratching my head about his motivations for saying it.

Did he and his buddies have a celebratory toast because, at long last, they were finally free to pursue Miss Watson? Did they believe that the only thing keeping this international, million-dollar, celebrity beauty from hooking up with them was the illegal age barrier?

celebritycrushThat can’t be it. I refuse to believe that my unknown, aging, married, part-time professor was delusional enough to think he ever had a viable shot.

But if they weren’t toasting her literal availability, then what exactly were they celebrating? All I can figure is: they were happy about not having to feel like such perverts anymore. She was now “legal” in the symbolic, ethical sense.

Which effectively means that the class got to hear about how our professor had been fantasizing about an underage girl. Yay.

The net result of all this boasting was a bunch of female students losing respect for the guy in charge. Somehow I doubt that was his plan.

If you ever feel an urge to talk about how happy you are that some celebrity just turned eighteen, my advice is: Don’t.

Because: A) She will never be your girlfriend and everyone will secretly be thinking this as you focus their attention on the massive gulf between her desirability and yours, and B) You’ll make women wonder if you’re a borderline pedophile, which will make you appear much, much less attractive.

While the reasons these boasts are a bad idea seem pretty evident to me, enough men engage in this behavior that I figure it warrants mentioning. If anyone can explain why so many guys think talking about masturbation, sending junk photos, or sharing their interest in underage women are  good strategies, I’d be eternally grateful.

Because I’m baffled.

Seriously guys, you need to quit.






8 thoughts on “Three Things Men Need To Stop Bragging About

  1. I put some thought into why guys talk about early masturbation and I decided it is probably caused by our 1st love which is our penises. It makes sense since we spend a lot of our younger lives thinking with our little heads and not our big heads.

    Let’s take a look at this:

    • Why do guys talk about their 1st masturbation and not yesterdays? (I’m sure yesterday’s conversations happen but it doesn’t sound as prevalent as young ages):
    o It’s a sexual awakening and a ‘relationship’ that will continue all of our lives. It’s dumb but talking about X person from when we were 12 would be akin to talking about a 1st love. I have never heard of any of my guy friends talk about their 1st girlfriend but can probably name each of my friends 1st solo crush. Generally guys would know better than to talk about then an actual girlfriend but talking about our penises somehow seems ok. Needless to say it isn’t but we don’t give it much thought until someone like you points it out and then it just seems stupid which it is.

    • Why do guys have to piss on a fence or in the back yard when there is a perfectly good bathroom 15 feet away?
    o Same reason. They have penises and want to flaunt it. Kind of like South Park when they were flaunting pictures of their photo shopped girlfriends. Dumb but truth.

    • Why do guys name their penis?
    o I don’t know how prevalent this actually is but it is fairly common. Even Channing Tatum named is penis.

    • Why are guys so concerned about penis size?
    o Because a larger penis would be akin to dating a super model. A super model doesn’t mean she is a better girlfriend but other guys may be envious, same with a penis.

    • Why do guys want to whip it out at concerts, parties or anywhere they aren’t supposed to?
    o Same reason. They want everyone to know they have a penis and are proud of it.

    • Why do guys hit each other in the balls?
    o Because they know that the other person’s penis is probably the most important thing to them… and it hurts of course but that is secondary to personal pride.

    • Why are there so many dick jokes?
    o Because their dick is probably their longest relationship and want to talk about it.

    • Why is it ok for two men to piss in the same urinal at the same time? (which is really weird by the way)
    o Because they feel a sense of camaraderie like hey we both have penis! Who would have known, let’s be palls.

    There are other examples which I thought of but it all boiled down to the same thing. The penis had to be the 1st love and hence all of the talk of jerking it at a young age. It doesn’t make it any more appropriate but it is an answer.

    Just my 2 cents.


    1. Hmm. Well, I appreciate the work you put into trying to answer my questions, though I’ll admit this is a completely foreign way of thinking to me, and I wonder if this is your experience in particular, or of American men, or men in general…

      Women just don’t view our genitals this way. We like them, are happy to have them, and wouldn’t want to lose them (much as we wouldn’t want to lose an eye), but I don’t think most of us see them as somehow separate from ourselves, in a way that makes a “relationship” with them possible.

      We like seeing, but don’t have a relationship with our eyes. We like, say, playing computer games, but don’t view it as a relationship with our fingers.

      We definitely don’t feel inordinate pride in their everyday functions, and I’m simultaneously amused and envious that you do. Not sure why peeing, for example, is something to be proud of, but it must be nice to feel good about yourself for doing it, I suppose.

      Maybe it’s cultural and maybe it’s biological. After all, we don’t need the same kind of marketing as you guys. There’s already a healthy demand.

      Maybe you’re so proud of it, you assume everyone else would want to see it too, like a crazed pet owner showing everyone a million photos of their dog.

      Not sure what the world would look like if women took the same pride in their biology. I guess we’d loudly talk about having to buy tampons and watch Youtube videos of women suffering bad menstrual cramps and laugh our asses off, like men do with clips of guys getting hit in the crotch.

      We’d write action movies where there was always a scene of women peeing together or squatting in the bushes, even though there’s a perfectly good bathroom nearby.

      We’d keep countdowns to when members of boy bands are turning eighteen, then high-five each other about them finally being “legal.”

      I could go on with the metaphors, but just… eww.

      I don’t know. It makes sense for guys to talk to each other about this stuff (we certainly share our experiences with other women) but saying it to a woman when you’re trying to flirt seems just as crazy as a woman trying to act cute with a guy and tossing in something about how her tampon isn’t big enough. Weird.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. This is so profoundly incorrect that I am fascinated by it.

      1] I have never, in my life, ever, heard anyone talk about the first time they jerked off. Ever. I don’t even remember mine.

      2] It’s convenient. Do you, personally, always choose the most inconvenient option?

      3] I’ve never heard of anyone naming their penis, except as a joke.

      4] Many women like large dicks.

      5] I have never seen any dude pull out their dick at inappropriate moments, or even as a joke.

      6] Because it hurts badly, but done lightly, there is no permanent damage. It’s called “play-fighting.”

      7] Why do people joke about the weather, or about the economy, or dead babies? Because it’s funny.

      8] It is absolutely not ok for two dudes to piss in the same urinal at the same time; you will get your ass beat for doing that. Yes, there are urinal troughs wherein people must do this, but it’s out of necessity, not desire: they are the only urinals available. What’s your philosophy behind people using porta-potties? Or why women hang out in the bathroom together?

      That was an adventure through the bowels of madness; can we go again?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Louis, nice to hear your thoughts. Again through the bowels of madness, eh? Sure…

    I think you were responding to Moondragon’s points, which complicates things because he brought up a bunch of topics I didn’t actually address in my article. But I’m gonna weigh in anyway, since they touched a nerve.

    1. Yeah, my article was advising guys not to use the topic of jerking off as a flirtation technique, lol. Moondragon seemed to be suggesting men are just nostalgic for their first celebrity crush, which technically isn’t about remembering the first time they masturbated, but I agree that it isn’t something most of us would remember.

    2. Not knocking your peeing mechanism–it does seem convenient. But I do wish we wouldn’t have to watch men peeing in every damn movie involving more than a couple of men. You don’t have to watch women peeing all the time.

    3. I haven’t heard this either, but don’t feel qualified to guess how normal it is.

    4. Some women do, but we don’t think about it nearly as much as guys. I’ve heard tons of men talk about how women are always comparing dick sizes and honestly, after being involved in about a million private female conversations over my lifetime, I can tell you this is actually a very rare topic. We talk about men A LOT, but hardly ever speculate or boast about penis size (usually it’s to get advice on dealing with something abnormal when we do). I think penis enlargement ads are trying to convince you we do so you’ll buy their products or something. They’re just preying on insecurity.

    5. Me neither, though a friend of mine once complained about how every guy she dated whipped it out to make a windmill joke at some point. She thought this happened to every woman and I’ve never seen it. Probably has a lot to do with the kind of guys you hang out with.

    6. No real input here, except I can’t relate. I guess the equivalent would be if women made jokes about menstrual cramps all the time.

    7. Depends on your sense of humor. Not sure if it’s all about uncomfortable topics or humblebrags.

    8. Yeah, again, not really qualified to weigh in because i don’t use urinals. But it’s my understanding that it’s bad etiquette to pee in a neighboring urinal if there’s a line of available urinals. I’m guessing it’s the equivalent to walking up to a long empty bench and sitting *RIGHT NEXT* to the only person already sitting there, except weirder because people have their junk out.

    That was fun XD


  3. 1] I would like to hear about the circumstances leading up to dudes talking about fapping to thoughts of you: it doesn’t make sense that this would just occur at random. Though, if males you are dating tell you this, it’s perfectly normal and healthy. And fapping is not self-abuse.

    2] Jealousy. You have my sympathies though: your genitalia sounds like a nightmare to deal with on a daily basis. The only worrying I have to do is over that urethra-swimming-up thing in south america.

    4] Eh, just basic insecurity. Same happens with women involving their looks. What really pisses me off though, is there’s this relatively easy vaginal technique woman can use to dramatically improve the sensation for the male, but they never worry about their ability to do it.

    5] I have done that. But I did it in the privacy of our home, with my longterm girlfriend who was not remotely a prude – not at an inappropriate time. What kind of lunatic hasn’t done that; it’s fucking hilarious?

    7] Offensive is funny.

    8] Ya, when a guy takes a stall next to me, when farther away ones are available, I do briefly consider murdering him.


    1. Alrighty, I’ll bite…

      1. No one is suggesting that jerking off is harmful, unusual or abnormal. Hell, we do it too.

      I’m saying that talking about it is not a good flirting technique. Men brag about it all. the. time. I think they just want to be seen as powerful sexual beings, but don’t realize it’s an off-putting image.

      Pooping is natural too. So is changing a tampon. But if some girl who was flirting with you suddenly said, “WHOA, man I just left the bathroom and had to wrestle a turd so big it poked over the waterline,” you’d be pretty grossed out. It ruins the fantasy.

      I’m not a huge fan of romance novels myself, but women are usually into them. And I can guarantee that NO romance novels include scenes where the hunky love interest guy rolls around on a bunch of porn making love to himself with a bottle of lotion. It’s not an image we want in our heads.

      So… yeah. Nothing wrong with it, but I don’t advise talking about it when you’re trying to impress a woman. Take from that what you will.

      2. Yeah, there are a lot of downsides, to be honest, but multiple body-shaking orgasms kinda balance the scales. That, and the ability to have sex whenever we want to. So it’s a mixed bag.

      4. Probably so. It’s unwarranted though. Women aren’t as interested in penis length variations as men seem to think. It takes something really abnormal for us to notice, and there are as many women put off by extra big dicks as there are women into them.

      As for your little technique, maybe you could try to market that but you’re right… most of us aren’t worried.

      5. Yeah, the windmill thing actually sounds funny, assuming you’re in a relationship and comfortable. I was kinda surprised I’d never seen it and my friend was mortified that the rest of us didn’t know what she was talking about.

      7. Depends on who you are and what your level of offensive is, I guess.

      8. So, it sounds like my information was good. Only freaks pee in adjoining stalls when other stalls are open.


  4. 1] So, to be absolutely clear, it was males whom were flirting with you, but were not in a relationship with you; that is indeed inappropriate, assuming you didn’t encourage such behavior. For example, just a.. month or so ago, a woman I was flirting with starting talking about fapping – not in great detail, but mentioning it semi-jokingly. I took no issue with it, as we were flirting, and she did so very gingerly; though if I recall correctly, I think she did mention her high frequency, which I didn’t interpret as her showing off, but as being more overly flirtatious. But I could certainly imagine some idiot male thinking trying to look big and strong. Pretty gross.

    2] Well, I wouldn’t know about multiple orgasms; though I once, inexplicably, came again immediately. It was good, but not enough for me to strive for again. Either way, with a person, I need allot of stimulation before an orgasm isn’t literally unpleasant [at least 40 minutes, of a mixture of activities], and I enjoy the process anyway.

    But, I’m not certain what you mean by “being able to have sex whenever:” you could mean that, unlike a male who needs to be aroused to have an erection, a female only needs a bottle of lube if unaroused – but I doubt that’s you’re meaning. I assume you mean that, as a female, you can very easily acquire a sexual partner at any given moment; that’s not the case for all woman, and some men have that same option: rich men can buy women in every corner of the world, but I assume gigolos are less available; also, attractive men very regularly have pussy thrown at them; and I, though not stereotypically attractive, get plenty of offers when in a community long enough.

    But I’ve got a long-standing beef with women being able to get sex relatively easily. Not because I’m jealous, but because so many woman use sex to take advantage of males financially. Prostitution, I respect: that’s a upfront business transaction with agreed upon conditions. But, manipulating people instead of just working? Pfft. Course, prostitutes get paid way, way the fuck too much: I could break my back, for 200+ hours in a month, and not even come close to what some prostitutes make in a few days of doing little-to-nothing. Never heard a feminist complain about that.

    4] Shrug, wouldn’t know. A nearly snobbish knowledge of porn has shown me, repeatedly, that a big dick gives a male certain options which are unavailable to others. But then, for those of us whom enjoy vigor and frequency, constantly punching a cervix would become a problem. And it’s damn sure something you should learn, if you want to be a good partner: I wouldn’t consider myself acceptable if I lasted all of 5 minutes.

    You kind of.. well I don’t really know, since I don’t do it; I imagine it’s kind a very, very light form of prolapsing. You don’t actually prolapse in any way. While he’s inside, cause your abdomen to place more pressure around your vaginal canal; that pressure, of course, transfers to the penis. I have personally experienced it, and it is amazing; far superior to merely a tight opening – given the choice, I might permanently give up anal for it. Bonus for possessing the skill: if you want him to finish before Mike and Molly comes on.

    5] Careful what you wish for: the exercise of such physics immediately brings to mind the possibility of slapping a partner’s face with said propeller.

    7] Offensive is funny.

    8] Some also try talking to you. Though, interestingly enough, it’s perfectly natural for friends to piss next to each other while talking.


    1. 1. yeah, I think it’s usually a way to look sexual and tough. Probably different when women do it because we don’t talk about it very much, so you don’t have to hear about it as often.

      I mean, men are obviously free to talk about whatever they want, but it’s not a good flirtation technique, if that’s their aim.

      2. I mean that it’s generally easier for women to find partners if they want to. Obviously that wouldn’t apply to specific people (I’m sure a male celebrity has a better shot than the 70-year-old cat lady down the street).

      As far as non-prostitute women using sexuality to get money… well… the obvious solution would be for men to stop paying them. Not sure how to dispute the market realities of supply & demand.

      Yeah, it’s not really surprising that feminists aren’t pissed off about the high price of prostitutes. Kind of hard to make a case for enforcing lowered prices in illegal markets… it would be a little like Homeland Security picketing against the high street value of Heroin.

      4. I’ve heard them complained about more often than appreciated in the very few conversations about dick sizes that have ever come up.

      Prolapsing your uterus doesn’t sound simple at all. Not surprised it hasn’t really taken off.

      5. Damn, there go all my windmill dreams.

      I’m actually starting to feel kinda bad for your girlfriends, with all these face-slapping windmills and prolapsed uterus/anal renegotiation demands you keep mentioning.

      7. “”

      8. Hmm, the world of urinal politics is treacherous indeed.


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