Last week, I wrote an article about why women love The Walking Dead, in which I gave Princess Leia a pass for the gold lame bikini, despite our general irritation about an overwhelming number of stupidly inappropriate battle outfits for female characters.
A guy buddy of mine recently weighed in on this theory. His take? Well, it seems the Princess Leia bikini scene was an important element of his sexual awakening, since he wore himself out to it.
My response was something along the sarcastic lines of, “Umm… Great, I love hearing about guys jerking it.” He seemed embarrassed, which would have made perfect sense, had he not brought up masturbation in the first place.
While his boasting had kind of made my point for me about the nature of most female action-movie characters, the more baffling question is why men want to tell us about jerking off at all.
I decided to ask him, but his response slowly devolved into a strange discussion about the iconic nature of Princess Leia for Generation X and a bizarre defense of childhood nostalgia via masturbatory habits. Not particularly helpful.
Unable to solve this conundrum, I started thinking about other weird ways men like to brag. Years of dating, having guy friends, and living on Planet Earth have given me much insight into the male brain, yet some of their weird behaviors still don’t make any sense.
Since they may be as confused about us as we are about them, I thought it could be helpful to share a few tips about what to stop doing when they are trying to impress us:
- Don’t talk about jacking off
If I had a dollar for every time a guy has mentioned rubbing one out to me… Well, to be frank, I’d rather just not hear it than have the cash.
Because it’s gross. In fact, I’d rather hand these random guys a dollar apiece than be forced to imagine them yanking their weiners while they’re talking to me.
Why do they BRAG about this? I’ve owned dogs that hump chairs and cats that rape blankets. It’s not much of an accomplishment and it’s not a pretty picture.
It’s also fairly hypocritical. Men don’t like it when we mention even having ex-boyfriends, so why do they think we enjoy hearing about them virtually boning other women?
Come to think of it, the guys who talk about spanking it the most are the first ones to flip out in exaggerated disgust whenever periods are mentioned. One minute, they’re elbows deep in sweaty self-abuse, and in the next, they’re delicate flowers who can’t fathom the natural cycles of the human body.
2. Don’t send us pictures of your junk
Men wrestle with a baffling urge to send photos of their privates; one so powerful that they sometimes lose jobs for indulging it.
Why would you do that? What do you think is going to happen when a woman sees a picture of your dick? Do you actually believe that a woman who is on the fence about her attraction to you will be pushed over the edge after feasting her eyes on your glorious dong?
I hate to break it to you guys, but at best, it comes off as arrogant (like you think seeing your wang is a treat) and at worst, it’s revolting (hey, you try opening a hair sack photo and see how you like it).
Perhaps that’s unfair, though. Since men are willing to pay to see women’s parts, maybe they just assume we feel the same way.
Hell, maybe they’re being generous. There are entire internet sites dedicated to viewing accidental side-boobs, yet here we are, getting the Full Monty for free.
Problem is, these guys aren’t thinking about the difference in our relative situations.
Men want to see female parts partly because they aren’t usually allowed to. Sure, there are hormones involved, but there’s more to it than that. Victorians were titillated by ankle shots, for example, because women were supposed to be covered from neck to foot, whereas we barely notice errant ankles today. Forbidden fruit makes sneak-peeking feel naughty.
Men, on the other hand, have been trying to show us their dongs for as long as we can remember. We can see one any time we want, so we don’t feel like we’re getting away with much. Guys in trench coats will flash us for free.
Deep down, every woman knows that if she wants to see a penis, all she has to do is ask. She could walk into any random roomful of men, asking “Who wants to show me their penis?” and at least one of them would oblige.
So my advice is: don’t send unsolicited sausage pics. It will very rarely, if ever, work out in your favor.
3. Don’t talk about how excited you are that a female celebrity is now “legal”
About a year ago, I was taking an art class when someone happened to mention Emma Watson. Our middle-aged associate Art professor jumped on the topic and ran.
“She is so gorgeous,” he informed the class, “My buddies and I had a toast on her eighteenth birthday. She’s finally legal!”
Umm… okay. It’s hardly the first, and certainly won’t be the last, time I’ve heard something along these lines, but I’m still scratching my head about his motivations for saying it.
Did he and his buddies have a celebratory toast because, at long last, they were finally free to pursue Miss Watson? Did they believe that the only thing keeping this international, million-dollar, celebrity beauty from hooking up with them was the illegal age barrier?
That can’t be it. I refuse to believe that my unknown, aging, married, part-time professor was delusional enough to think he ever had a viable shot.
But if they weren’t toasting her literal availability, then what exactly were they celebrating? All I can figure is: they were happy about not having to feel like such perverts anymore. She was now “legal” in the symbolic, ethical sense.
Which effectively means that the class got to hear about how our professor had been fantasizing about an underage girl. Yay.
The net result of all this boasting was a bunch of female students losing respect for the guy in charge. Somehow I doubt that was his plan.
If you ever feel an urge to talk about how happy you are that some celebrity just turned eighteen, my advice is: Don’t.
Because: A) She will never be your girlfriend and everyone will secretly be thinking this as you focus their attention on the massive gulf between her desirability and yours, and B) You’ll make women wonder if you’re a borderline pedophile, which will make you appear much, much less attractive.
While the reasons these boasts are a bad idea seem pretty evident to me, enough men engage in this behavior that I figure it warrants mentioning. If anyone can explain why so many guys think talking about masturbation, sending junk photos, or sharing their interest in underage women are good strategies, I’d be eternally grateful.
Because I’m baffled.
Seriously guys, you need to quit.