Last night, after noticing a photo of Princess Leia in her gold lame bikini on my website, my boyfriend Rick decided he needed to drop whatever he was doing and read what I had to say.
Rolling my eyes, I waited for him to finish. Then we had, what I believe, was a very revealing conversation about how men and women view the penis differently. I’ll do my best to recreate it here.
Rick: Okay, I agree with these three things you say men need to stop bragging about and it’s pretty funny. But I think they’re pretty uncouth.
Me: They are, but it happens all the time.
Rick: They aren’t very classy. It’s kind of monkey behavior, like “everyone look at my huge dick.” I’m happy to say I’ve never sent someone a penis photo.
Me: I’m happy about that too, especially because you’ve never sent me one.
Rick: Would you like one?
Me: No, we’re good.
Rick: Cause you can send me any kind of photos you want.
Me: Well… thank you. That’s kind of what I was saying, though. Men like pictures like that, but we don’t.
I can actually only imagine two scenarios where a woman would ask for a dick pic. In one, it’s a loving couple who have been separated for a long time and she wants something naughty that just the two of them share, and in the other, a woman is just seeing what she can make a guy do. And I’d bet my left arm that the second he sends it to her, she’s going to show it to her friends and they’ll laugh about it.
Rick: Women don’t find men’s bodies attractive?
Me: Oh no, we absolutely do find men attractive. A picture of a good-looking, half-dressed man that hints at his nether regions makes women go weak in the knees. We just don’t like pictures of disembodied body parts, and don’t find penises pretty. They don’t turn us on by themselves.
Rick: We’re different.
Me: Yeah, we know. You guys talk about it all the time.
Rick: What does turn you guys on, then?
Me: Well, it’s the whole package. We like handsome men, and nice shoulders, good hair… Some women are into men’s butts and I’ve heard a lot of them talk about hands.
Me: Yes, I have heard a ton of women talk about hands. They like nice, well-manicured hands. I think maybe it’s a class thing, a sign he’s not a barbarian, which a dick pick would indicate. Actually, I’ve heard women talk more about hands than penises.
Rick (quite surprised): Really? Well, I guess I haven’t heard guys compare vaginas much. They’ll talk about a nice rack they saw, but not vaginas.
Me: The rack thing makes sense because it’s always on display. There’s only so much you can cover that up.
Women can be a bit competitive about breast size, I guess, but that makes more sense to me than penis size insecurity because women are competing about something they know men care about, plus everyone can see your breast size all the time, whereas hardly anyone will ever see a guy’s penis.
And you guys care way more about size than we do. Most women care more about a guy’s height than his penis size, probably because everyone can see his height but they will never see his penis.
Rick: Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Plus, you could lie to your girlfriends about that. Say, one woman says “My boyfriend has a fifteen-inch penis.” Her friend could say, “Yeah, well my boyfriend has a seventeen-inch penis” and how would she be found out? The other woman’s not gonna see it, so…
Me (laughing): I would be really surprised if a conversation like that has ever taken place in the history of womankind. Is that what you guys think we talk about?
Rick: You don’t brag about your boyfriends?
Me: Yeah, but not like that. This whole boasting about your partner’s giant penis thing just happens in the movies and on TV, I think for the benefit of men. In real life, women don’t sound like that. Plus, no one would actually want a seventeen-inch penis.
Rick: Women don’t talk about stuff like that because it’s gross?
Me: Oh, hell no. Women talk about everything. They go into painful detail and give play-by-plays about every scenario. I’ve heard women talk about the way a guy’s hip bone curves and dips down… I’ve heard them discuss their boyfriend’s technique. They just don’t compete with each other about a boyfriend’s penis size because women flat-out don’t care or think about the penis anywhere close to as much as you think we do. Or that men do. It’s other MEN who care about penis size.
Rick: Yeah, for some reason, you’re more of a man if you have a bigger penis. It doesn’t make much sense, but it’s how we think. So, we assume you guys brag about how much of a man you’ve got.
Me: Only in movies. Honestly, we do care about size, but only if it’s on the extreme end, either way. Most women just want a guy’s penis to be “normal,” and they care more about technique and the guy in general.
I mean, we want you have one and are happy about the nice things they do for us, but we don’t want one that’s really small or really big. When size is mentioned, it’s generally not a good thing. More than one woman I know has broken up with a guy she really liked because his penis was too big.
Rick (astounded, like this was the craziest thing he’d ever heard): WHAT!? Because it was too BIG?
Me: Yeah, because that can be a real pain, literally. One friend of mine really, really liked a guy and she tried everything but it was just uncomfortable and eventually she had to dump him.
Rick (laughing and unable to get past this idea): “I just had to break up with him because his penis was too big.” Are you serious?
Me: Yes. It’s not really a great thing for us. I mean, I think there are some women who have particular fetishes for massive penises, and probably if forced to choose, women would rather have a big penis than a micro-penis, but most women prefer something average, which is a big range.
It cracks me up whenever I see those penis enhancement ads where they promise to give you an extra inch or two, because women aren’t even going to notice an inch or two. It’s under our radar. It’s like us expecting men to tell the difference between 50 different shades of red nail polish.
We actually never talk about how attractive penises are.
Rick (shocked): You don’t?
Me (shocked that he’s shocked by this): No. I’m trying to think of any conversation I’ve ever had where a woman went on about how her boyfriend’s penis was attractive, and I can’t think of a single conversation like that. There was that scene in Sex And The City where Samantha talked about how pretty her boyfriend… who was that… Richard. Yeah, how Richard has this perfect pink penis. But that’s just TV.
I’ve only ever heard women complain about the appearance of penises. You probably don’t want your penis brought up in a woman’s conversation.
Rick: Really? What don’t they like?
Me: Well, just if it’s particularly ugly. Like, when I lived in LA, some girlfriends of mine would refer to a guy having an “old man penis.”
Rick: NASTY. What IS that? Shriveled?
Me: It wasn’t actually an old man’s penis, it was a way of saying it looked like it had been used too much and got old before its time. Like, calloused, because the guy is a pervert who wore it out.
I don’t think that’s a standard term among women, just the group I was talking to at the time, but it’s an example of women talking about how a penis looks. I really think the reality is that if she likes you, then your penis is okay, but if she thinks you’re gross, then your penis will be gross too.
Rick: I don’t believe you. I’ve heard women talk about size before.
Me: Yeah, because we know it gets to you. We’re doing it to mess with your head.
You see, women feel insecure about all kinds of stuff: their weight, their prettiness, their breast size. Men seem cocky to us and are always taking notes on our measurements and breast size, and compare us to each other like we’re a bunch of car models. We feel judged and inadequate.
So, when we figure out your hot buttons, the things you’re sensitive about, we file them away in case we ever need to use them in self-defense.
And we know what they are: your hairline, your height, your penis size, and maybe the kind of car you drive. Out of those, women probably care about height the most, but we know we can take you down a peg or two by hitting any of those topics.
Rick: “Hairline, height, and penis size.” Wow. You should write a blog post about this.
Me: I will.