Mighty Google, Please Explain To Me Why Anyone’s Voting for Trump

After watching the first presidential debate on TV last week, a single burning question has been pounding through my head:

How can anyone seriously be voting for Trump?

I mean, he’s:

  • racist
  • sexist
  • saying he did Obama a huge favor with the whole birther conspiracy deal
  • given to wild conspiracy theories in general, like thinking the Chinese invented global warming
  • constantly lying about saying stuff he’s on record for saying
  • always insulting fat people, even though he himself is fat
  • not really a successful businessman, since he inherited millions of dollars yet had to be bailed out of failed business ventures dozens of times
  • bragging about how smart he is for not paying taxes
  • a giant asshole who won’t let anyone else talk without interrupting
  • claiming he lost the debate because his microphone was broken, as though it magically shorted out whenever he was NOT about to say a bunch of racist, sexist,  elitist crap in a bunch of short syllable salad

We already knew these things were true because he’s being saying wrong things for quite a while, but now it’s been put on official display.

And I can’t understand how anyone watching that debate could see it it any differently. I keep trying to put myself inside the mind of a Trump supporter, but I just can’t think up any logical basis for actually considering that bucket of human horse piss a viable candidate to lead our country.

Maybe Hillary isn’t your favorite pick, but she’s still running against THAT guy. And if a woman as qualified as her can’t beat out the likes of him, I can only imagine NOT logical reasons explaining it.

Things like needing a strong white Alpha male, no matter how horrible, to beat out this uppity liberal woman and her potentially not-exclusively-white agenda. Maybe having a black president was bad enough for these people and they’ll be damned before they’ll let a woman be in charge.

Maybe that’s mean, but I just don’t care anymore. I finally decided that no matter ugly it may be, I have to get a peek at America’s shameful nether-regions in my attempts to understand.

I’m about to peel back America’s underdrawers to catch a glimpse. I’m really going to do it… I’m going to consult Google.

Google search, to be exact, because looking up people’s formal political arguments means reading a lot of glorified rationalizations. No one’s going to just admit they’re sexist and racist. Not even to themselves.

But typing a phrase into the Google search engine makes Google finish that phrase with the most commonly inputted endings. While this experiment is flawed (you don’t know who is typing these things), it still shows you what the greatest number of people are secretly looking up on the internet when they think no one else can see.

And here’s what I found.


Interesting. Despite all evidence to the contrary, everyone seems to think he’s doing well. Let’s try something else:

Screen Shot 2016-10-03 at 2.03.22 AM.png

While we can’t be sure what camp the people who typed these things belong to, they still reveal the strange conviction that Trump is obviously crushing it, whereas Hillary shouldn’t be allowed to run. Let’s try this:

Screen Shot 2016-10-03 at 2.12.40 AM.png

Hillary being toast is the very first hit? That’s awfully cocky.


Okay, I don’t know what the “trump is love is life’ thing is about, but I’m a little bit scared. Let’s try a different angle:

Screen Shot 2016-10-03 at 2.05.46 AM.png

Hmm, we’ve got people thinking men and women are really different, like so alien to each other that they’re from completely different planets instead of variants of the same exact species. And also that men are better.

How about the reverse?


Screen Shot 2016-10-03 at 2.09.00 AM.png

Some reverse discrimination right back at ya, but only after harping on about women not being funny, yet again. I’m guessing the thing about women being right is actually sarcastic.

Let’s change the scope:


I see.

Screen Shot 2016-10-03 at 2.17.28 AM.png

Apparently natural, no cause for concern or curiosity. Literally NOTHING came up when I typed this in.

How about this?

Screen Shot 2016-10-03 at 2.19.33 AM.png

Really? A black president will be the last one?

In the words of Trump: WRONG.


And there ya go. A huge number of people secretly believe America NEEDS a white president again, that we’ve got to erase the damage having a black president has apparently done.  Obviously a white Alpha male, not one of those alien unfunny women who remind everybody of cats.

Because that would be “bad.”

I have the uncomfortable feeling this isn’t the last of my Google experiments. They’re ugly, yet reveal so much.




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