I’m a weird friend. One time, for example, I “helped” a buddy of mine stay up all night to write an essay by trying to find the freakiest sexual fetishes on the internet I could, then telling her all about them.
I figured her curiosity about what I was going to say next would keep her awake. She thought it was nuts but never told me to shut up because… c’mon… who isn’t curious about the strange stuff people do behind closed doors?
And I never ran out of things to say because frankly, you probably can’t think up anything so freaky-deaky that a bunch of people aren’t super into it. I couldn’t, at least, and kept thinking about what a godsend the internet must’ve been to these communities.
Now they can find each other. Before, they must’ve been wondering at what point, on which date, they should tiptoe up to explaining how they need to dress up in clown suits while sniffing used shoes to be sexually satisfied. Or maybe they would find the one person who likes it too and feel forced into a relationship with them, because when are they gonna find another shoe-sniffer in a clown suit?
I’m guessing you’re probably thinking I’m incredibly kinky by now, what with my unabashed fascination with bizarre fetishes and shameless ability to talk about them. But you’d be wrong… I’m actually quite an old-fashioned prude. Some might even say repressed.
For me, it’s about understanding human nature. Mating is pretty straightforward for animals, so why do some people need to watch women crushing cockroaches with their feet? What’s that really about?
Or dumping messy food on people. There’s actually a magazine for that, with centerfolds. (THIS MONTH’S CENTERFOLD: MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY!)
The motivations probably depend on the fetish, yet I couldn’t help noticing two common elements in every single fetish site I found:
- Everyone suggests their fetish is actually natural but most people are too repressed to realize it. They bring up animals that do it to bolster their case.
- Everyone brings up some other, weirder, fetish to look down on.
An example of #2 is the “Zoophiliacs” (venture to their page with caution because there are some things you can never unsee). They feel very, very superior to people who are into Beastiality because unlike those people, folks into Zoophilia only have consenting relationships with animals, which they believe is a beautiful thing.
How you can be sure an animal consents, I’m uncertain, but Zoophiliacs feel this is a very important distinction to make.
Another level of weirdness occurs when people with strange fetishes try to balance out the cosmic scales. For instance, you know how some people who like to hunt believe it’s okay to kill animals as long as you eat them? It’s a reasonable argument, I think.
Well… some guys that are into watching women crush mice and cockroaches under their feet can’t help feeling somewhat bad for the mice and cockroaches. So… like hunters… they think eating the animals you’ve killed makes it okay. You can find recipes for cockroach tacos and mouse-loaf on these websites, for the ethical crush fetishist.
And as grossed out as I am by the concept, I can’t help agreeing that it makes the same logical sense as a venison bake.
Why aren’t more psychologists looking into this? Seems like an overlooked treasure trove, a veritable landfill of human ego… the human psyche unmasked.